5:02 AM

I am made up of unsweetened green tea, green skittles, charcoal pencils, sky blue scissors, monochrome rainbows, unfinished novels/journals/sketchbooks, humbling blessings, the smell of laundry, sepia-toned photographs, unmade plans, truthful lies & false truths, dry hands, unvisited cities, purple & orange skies, good food + good music = good soul, vulnerability, broken streetlights, faded polaroids, answered & unanswered prayers, messy but cozy rooms, abnormal-looking clouds, broken guitar strings, half empty bottles of water (or half full?), ripped pages of the bible, blushing, shadowfeet, carrot cake, crunchy leaves, vandalized walls, collection of white crayons, blurry photographs, foreign songs, book of quotes, honest lyrics, notes that are out of key, home-baked chocolate chip cookies, unsent letters, snail mail collections, late night conversations, chapped lips, shuffled playlists, food-stained shirts, backseat windows, awkward smiles & glances, love from a humble cobbler to a stubborn daughter (i love my dad...), therapeutic smiles, sunflowers, tea bags, friendly dogs, movies with unrealistic expectations, cracked shutters, useless lists (along with this one), car conversations, undeserved love...

& i don't understand how paper beats rock.

✎

find rest, my soul.

I am emotionally exhausted. I am confused and tired. It’s exhausting being myself when I do not even know what that looks like anymore. It’s hard to be lively & strong for a group of people because you are a leader and that is what you are called to be and do. It’s hard to be fun and understanding for someone because you do not want to become a burden. It’s hard to wrestle with yourself to know the difference between sharing a struggle & complaining. It’s hard to keep up a conversation when you do not know what is going to come out of your mouth. They say the words from your mouth reflect what is in your heart. I keep muttering gibberish because my heart is very confused. It has come to the point that in my ministries, with my mission team, with my fellow leaders, and even my small group, I am this other person. I am not really sure who the real me is. Nothing in me right now is me. Nothing I am representing seems to be what God has given inside of me. I think I need a personal retreat, some time apart from people to rediscover myself. I need to find rest with myself.

In Christ alone.