child.
Life after college seemed easy in the beginning. I really thought I knew what I wanted to do. I told God and myself that I would go back to school to get my credentials and live a life becoming a teacher. After I get married, I would get out of this country and go teach in countries that are off the map.
It’s interesting how even plans that seem well thought out and plans that seem good do not go as according to—well, as planned. These past couple months have been so confusing. Every day made me a little bit more nervous than the day before.
This season has been a season in which the depths of my pride has been revealed. My pride of handling my own finances, my pride of not asking others for help, my pride of telling my parents I was okay, my pride of telling others I was okay in this season, my pride of lying to myself and to others that I am still thankful that I do not have a job—this season I was exposed to how ugly pride could become.Not getting call backs, not having jobs to apply to—all this discouragement led me to have a spirit of laziness and doubt. I did not want to do anything anymore and I felt compelled to know who I was to be.
Lord am I to be a teacher? Am I to start my own business? Am I to be just someone’s wife? Am I to just supposed to support my future husband? Am I to just be a mother? Am I to work at multiple part-time jobs? Am I to just be jobless for the rest of my life?
He was so silent. Reading the Word was hard. I heard stories of friends who have had God reassure their callings through the Word or prayer, but in my life, God was just giving His silence. His silence caused me to go through seasons in which I trusted in Him all the more, but also I became angry and disappointed in myself.
Lord who am I to become? A teacher, a wife, a person inside a cubicle?
I became influenced by people who told me what to do and what to try out. People tried to encourage me by telling me that everyone goes through this season and that I was not alone but it was funny how the people who were saying those words were people who received a job right after they graduated. Fellowship became hard and even in my church in which I was a leader, I became extremely lonely.
Lord why won’t you tell me? Why won’t you show me?
It was then I finally was confirmed. At this moment, I was not to become a teacher, a wife, or even in desperate search of what I should be in this world. God was not asking me to become a teacher, a wife, or even a disciple or mentor. He was asking me to be His child. And then I realized that the whole time, He was asking me to just be His child. To childishly trust in Him, to not be afraid to naive, to be a fool for Him, to be okay not knowing.
It’s still difficult. It’s still hard, and I am sure my career calling will keep changing. But one thing that will never change is my calling to just be His child.
